Wow. i just got sucked back about 5 years.
I watched a Dr Phil today about eating disorders.
I almost forgot what it was like to be sick. Its like I was a whole different person, but that show just brought me right back to those days. It was such a dark period in my life, maybe im trying to block it, or not dwell and move on, but then i see someone going through EXACTLY what i went through and my heart breaks for them.
even though i was bulimic, as i was watching, i most related to Jessica, an anorexic.
She’s very articulate about her feelings and her disorder, which I always was as well, and everything she said brought me right back to those days. Those days of trying soo hard to please everyone, trying to hard to show i was strong even though i was beat down every single day, those days of trying to shrink out of sight and go unnoticed. I wanted people to envy me and to think i was strong. It felt great to sit around my friends, stuffing their faces, complaining they are fat, while i silently sipped my diet coke, feeling stronger than all of them. And even though i knew what i was doing, i knew it wasnt healthy, and i knew i was going to die soon, i couldnt stop.
It made me a liar. I lied to my boyfriend about what i had eaten. I lied to him when i snuck off to purge in the bathroom and i lied when he heard me and told him i was sick. I knew he knew. I lied to my friends and told them i was eating. i lied and told them i wasnt losing weight, or that it wasnt a big deal or made up excuses not to hang out because i either felt too fat to leave the house, or just wanted to be alone with my disorder. I lied to my parents and told them i loved them when i really didnt. I lied when i sat silently listening to my mom cry about how it had affected her, when i hated her for making it, once again, all about her. I hid everything.
My rock bottom lasted a few months. I would spend all my extra money on hitting every drive through i could on the way home from work. i would weigh the food on a scale i stole from my office, then purge into a bag to weigh afterwards to make sure i got rid of every last morsel. I stole food when i couldnt afford it. I fainted once, mid purge, and hit my head off the toilet. My hair started falling out. My teeth started rotting. My thyroid shut down. i was anemic. I was a raging bitch. i fainted at the gym. i couldnt find clothes that fit, but i still thought i was fat. i would come home from work, binge and purge for hours, then collapse into bed, exhausted to only start it all again the next day.
I thought i wanted to be skinny, but what i really wanted was someone to care about me. i wanted someone to scoop me up off the bathroom floor and tell me they were worried about me. I wanted someone to love me.
It took years of counselling, but I now realize I did this to myself because i couldnt figure out what was wrong with me. Growing up, nothing was ever good enough. Every award, every straight A report card, every popularity contest- no words of encouragement. No atta girls. No recognition whatsoever. But if I left a dish on the counter, or asked a question “with an attitude” or even just was in the wrong place at the wrong time- i was awful. i was disrespectful. i was irresponsible. Eventually i just wanted to shrink. i oculdnt figure out what was so horrible about me, which meant i was stupid as well, that i didnt have the forsight to see what was right or wrong.
Counselling helped me realize it wasnt me- it was her. I wasnt crazy, i wasnt stupid and i was good enough. it was hard but i had to realize that what I think of me is all that matters.
If you are suffering from an eating disorder PLEASE get help. They dont want to make you gain weight, they want to help you learn why you are doing this. Its scary- i know it is. All I wanted to do was be alone with my disorder. My disorder was like an abusive boyfriend- i knew it was awful for me, was controlling my life and would probably kill me, but i was scared of who i was without it. It had been a part of my life for so long, i was scared to be left with just myself. I was scared that i wouldnt have something to focus on every second of everyday and i would be left with nothing. no purpose. i know what it feels like, but i can say, from experience, its the best thing you could do for yourself.
Please, just talk to someone. I’m here if you want to email or have questions. i already speak with a few people trying to turn their lives around and im here for you as well. Ive been through both the disorder and recovery so i know what you are going through. it helps to talk to someone that knows what its like. Dont let this disorder ruin another relationship or rob you of one more day of your life. There is hope. You deserve to be well, and you deserve to be happy.