www.toothpastefordinner.com
So if you recall, I’m having what asithi refers to as a quarter life crisis. I call it murderous levels of stress coupled with having no life, but you know, to each their own.
I love this blog more than anything. I left grounded Fitness because I could not write about what I wanted to, without getting passive aggressive and patronizing emails from the channel director. Contrary to before, I don’t make very much money off of it anymore except for a few text links on the sidebar that I get every now and again (I had to take blogher down after they threatened me with bodily harm for giving away things I accepted from companies above a certain dollar amount. BOO. But I like giving expensive stuff away, so they can suck it.) This is the most fulfilling writing I do/have done. This blog is what started me writing. Because of this blog, and all of you, I have worked with and/or currently write for Gaiam, Carrie and Danielle, FitPeeps.com (whoops! That’s coming soon. Crap, I blew the suprise!) Gotrybe.com, Danskin, GoFit.com, Vitamix, magazines, health food companies, other great blogs, and the list goes on and on.
My original intention with this blog was to help people trying to recovery from eating disorders and show them that you can learn to love your body, and yourself, the way I have: with fitness.
The biggest part of learning this, is learning that there is a world outside your brain and your weight. When I was sick, I felt like I was in a fog, and nothing else mattered but the self hatred I had in my head, and the constant calorie count being calculated over and over again. I particiapted in coversations when I had to, went to a job I hated, and tried to put on the guise of a contributing member of society, but it was a lie. A farse. I love that word. I was so wrapped up in hating me, myself and I, that I was incapable of thinking of anyone or anything else. Its like I was a shell, but opposite. Everything of any importance was happening inside of me, and my own brain, and nothing else mattered- everything else was the enemy, trying in its own way to penetrate my force feild I built up and make me fat. Friends wasted my time, and tried to get me to eat. I cut them out. My family “cared” about me and diminishing frame- but where were they before? No where. So they must not care- they just wanted to sabotage my efforts.
Then came therapy, and the realization that 1) I was the most selfish person in the world and 2) I can do whatever I want. #2 was like a punch in the face.
It was like my world suddenly opened, the fog lifted and I could see beyond the tip of my nose. Why waste all my time worrying about my weight, when I can get out and do whatever I want?
The greatest thing that my therapist ever said to me, which I will remember to my dying day, was one afternoon when I had been doing pretty good with my food and exercise, but my head was pretty screwed up. I was sulking all session, tired of having to try so hard to stay healthy all the time, and finally said, “why do I have to deal with this? Why can my friends all scarf down burgers without a second thought, and laugh and carry on, while I sit there, scared to death of my chicken breast, then sit for another half hour just to calm my nerves afterwards?”
You know what he told me?
“Shut up. Be thankful that all you have to do is watch what you eat. There are people in this world who can’t see. There are people in this world who can’t walk. There are children right now strapped to hospital beds with tubes in every hole of their body, waiting to die, and there are parents that have to stand by their side and watch it happen knowing there is nothing they can do about it.”
That was my slap in the face.
I remember going home that day and making a list of all the things I could do that I never dreamed of.
They were small things, like take a road trip, or going on a hike. Nothing super exciting, but to me, it was exhillerating. For the first time I was thinking about things that weren’t food related.
The first one on the list was taking a trip with the boy. The next month, we headed up to Canada on a whim and had a fantastic time.
My point with all this (wow- its bad when you have to actually point out your point) is I want to get back to this with the blog. My whole life isn’t just fitness and exercise. Its a huge part- saved my life in fact- but its focusing on the balance of it all that makes us truely healthy. So in addition to everything you’ve been getting so far, I want to focus on taking care of the mental health aspect as well.
I’m going to share with you a lot of what I went through in therapy, what I have learned along the way, and a little more about me in general. I don’t want anyone reading this blog who is going through what I went through, or is trying to recover, to think the only way you can be healthy is by being fitness minded 100% of the time.
That all or nothing attitude is what gets us in trouble in the first place.
First on my agenda? I’m going to make a quilt. Have I ever quilted before? no. Is it probably the most granny thing I could do? yes- but I think curling up with some thing I made just for me is a great place to start.
What are you going to do today to get you out of your comfort zone?
For a little inspiration, head to Create A Balance. I swear, its written just for me- but you guys can take a peek, too.
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Also- is anyone else getting spammed constantly by Joan’s Weightloss Story? I swear if I could reach through this screen, I’d throttle “Joan” and her newly-skinny, Acai pimping ass.