There is a Seinfeld episode that turned a corner in recovery.
I know how weird that sounds.
But there is a scene where Jerry is talking about Night-time Jerry and Morning Jerry. There are two different people inside Jerry that hate each other. Night-time Jerry says- “yeah! let’s stay up all night, its no problem”, but then when morning comes, Morning Jerry is the one that has to wake up. Morning Jerry hates Night-time Jerry.
The same battle was going on through my recovery.
Bulimia is weird. You are literally two different people: Pre-episode you, and Post-episode you. Pre-episode (binge and purge) you is anxious and short sighted. All Pre can think of getting rid of that anxious feeling. Pre gets sick of fighting and handling situations on its own and the only thing it wants to do is b/p. It knows it will feel better afterwards. Calmer. Numb. Pre-you doesn’t ever remember how horrible you feel afterwards, or how a b/p will set you back and make you feel weak and stupid. You aren’t rational: you are like a junkie looking for a fix and you know only one way to get the feeling you are looking for…
Post- you has a clearer head. You feel weak, lazy and sick, and so disappointed in yourself that you gave into Pre- you again. After and episode, the fog clears a bit, and nothing has changed, except you blew it. Again.
Write when you are feeling your best and worst. Have Pre write to Post-you and have Post write to Pre-you. OR have motivated you, write to Post-you. (this is usually what I did.)
Literally write to the other person. When you are in that frame of mind of all you want to do in binge and purge, you can’t think straight- who better to talk you out of it but your very own words, when you can’t summon them yourself?
Somedays you will be so motivated its unbelieveable. Take advantage of that write. Write about how great you feel, how excited you are to get healthy, and how proud you are of yourself. Because on those days where you think, “what’s the point? I’m sick of fighting” you can read those words and remember what it feels like to be so excited about life.
I kept a recovery journal, which is was my saving grace. It is probably the realest I have ever been with myself, and I still have it to this day.
I’ve never shared my recovery journal with anyone, so this is big for me, but I’m going to share some excerpts where I have done this very thing.
Highly motivated, writing to Post-Episode Me:
“I just ate my first normal meal is as long as i can remember. Jerome [same, current boyfriend] took me to Azteca, asking early in the day to make sure it was ok. i ate a couple chips, and one mozzarella stick. I stopped before the meal came (success #1) I ordered Veggi-Enchilladas (success #2*) and didn’t finish all of it! (Success # 3, 4 and 5!!!**) We had dessert, shared it, and had the same amount (success #6***) I never considered purging. I even told Jerome I wasn’t comfortable with the appetizers so I wasn’t going to eay much of them. Of course I thought about purging, but I didn’t consider it. This is the closest to normal I’ve felt in forever and its amazing!”
I re-read this post so many times when i was feeling the urge to b/p. Sometimes it worked, sometimes it didn’t, but I could read those words and be reminded that I can feel GOOD, and the only time i feel good is when I do what I am supposed to, and don’t give in to my eating disorder.
When you are in the midst of anxiety and fear and feeling fat and weak (Pre-episode you), its nearly impossible to rationalize your way out of it. Having your very words to break you out of that in-the-moment moment is your very best chance to resist that urge.
*Normally when I went out to dinner, I had a fuck-it attitude and would order the very worst thing for me, with the most amount of food. Ordering a healthy choice was a huge accomplishment.
** Leaving food on my plate when I was so used to stuffing myself until I couldn’t fit any more food in my belly was the hardest thing to learn how to do. Not only not stuffing myself, but actually leaving food on the plate was also huge.
***I paced myself with my boy to gauge how much i should eat. Its a great trick when you are really struggling and worked like a charm.
If you are suffering from an eating disorder, or think you might be, and have some pretty private questions, feel free to email me anytime at kelly@everygymsnightmare.com