Thank you, Kelly.

That’s why I REALLY liked this comment you made: “Some people would think that is eating unhealthy, but for someone that has abused, been obsessed with and regulated my food for so long, I think its the healthiest way to eat for me. No games- eat healthy to treat my body right, don’t be too strict, if I want something have it. I get nervous when I read food blogs of other people because sometimes I think being too healthy and rigid is actually unhealthy and borderline obsessive.”

A-frickin-MEN. Haha…I considered it a victory when I had a Wendy’s hamburger. For so long I’d gotten friggin SCARED if I saw a fast food burger. And it tasted gooood! Do I want them all the time? Nah, but every now and then a bit of fast food hits the spot.

And I agree that some health blogs are unhealthy. It’s just another form of control. I’ve learned that all too well. It finally hit me when I would get nervy even around perfectly healthy food, if I didn’t know exactly what was in it. So I’ve slowly started to loosen up. I get hung up sometimes, but slowly I’m making progress!

I just recently started dealing with my anxiety, especially my binge eating issues, head on. Even in starting to see a therapist, I haven’t been given a real method how to get past the binge eating. With your “mantra” – “No it won’t make me feel better. No this isn’t going to solve anything. No this is not the person I want to be” – I now have a verbal cue to remind myself why I MUST get past this.

Thank you from the bottom of my heart.

I do over eat sometimes, past the point of normal satiety, but I think that’s normal and something a lot of people do occassionally. I am definitly not strict with my food- I eat fast food, and ice cream, and candy and drink lots of beer on the weekends- not all the time, but more often than you would think a “health professional” would. Some people would think that is eating unhealthy, but for someone that has abused, been obsessed with and regulated my food for so long, I think its the healthiest way to eat for me. No games- eat healthy to treat my body right, don’t be too strict, if I want something have it. I get nervous when I read food blogs of other people because sometimes I think being too healthy and rigid is actually unhealthy and borderline obsessive.

Even though I over eat occasionally, I don’t consider them binges, because for me, i never just binged, I binged and purged- they went hand in hand, and the purge was the permission to binge, or the binge was a justification to purge. I never did one or the other until I was trying to recover and would slip up and binge- then i would have to force myself not to purge.

A binge is hard to explain, but if you do it, you know it. You go blind- grabbing anything you can put into your mouth, even if it doesnt taste good, just to fill yourself up. Its not going and grabbing a cookie, then getting another one until suddenly you have had ten. I used to hit 3 fast food joints on the way home from work and spend over $60 a day on food. I would eat jars of pickles, or blocks of cheese, or anything that was in the fridge. A binge isnt about the food, its about filling yourself up to feel numb. Now, when I over eat, its just because the food is so damn good. Its whats in your head and heart, and I know I have control over myself and my food, and I know that life is too short to worry about it- Ive wasted enough time on that.

I dont have an exact date of the last time I’ve binged and purged, but I’d say about 3 years? Its not like an alcoholic who usually has a date. I found when i focused on days too much and then screwed up i would feel like i was starting over which is a bad mindset to be in, so I just took it day by day. eventually i didnt even think about it anymore. Its an isolating disease, so once i started living life again, and actually doing things with my friends, its like the fog lifts and its just not important anymore. getting to that place is the hard part.

Holy essay question.