I guess I don’t totally know what I’m asking…I guess how you went about the recovery process? I really like your blog and think you’ve accomplished so much already at 23! I’m 22. Thanks Kelly!! ~Rachel

Thanks for your kind words- that means a lot!

The first thing you have to realize is that your binging and purging episodes have nothing to do with the amount of calories you eat- it has to do with the anxiety- and your anxiety causes you to binge and purge. The calories themselves aren’t triggering you, its the fact you are scared to eat that many. You have to deal with why you are scared, and why you get anxious when you eat more, which is probably because its a disruption to your food routine, which sends you into a tail spin.

Messing with calories to stop binging and purging is like treating the symptom instead of the disease.

What my counselor and I did first was find the level of calories at which I was comfortable eating first, and then compromised to a point where I was at least at an amount we could both be comfortable with (me to not gain weight, he so that I wouldn’t die) made sure i ate that, and then moved onto the binges. He checked my intake for the first 10 minutes, told me to up it about 200 every other week or so, and as we tackled my issues, those increases weren;t a big deal. Sometimes they were, which meant I was having a bad week- so it soom became glaring obvious to me that my fear of calories had to do with control- when I felt out of control I was scared to up them, but when I was doing good it was no big deal.

Moving your calories up and down isnt going to cure you. Ill say this a million times- it has nothing to do with food. Once you figure out why you feel the need to torture and punish yourself, and why you think that is going to make your life better, even though it obviously isnt since I have never ever met a happily well adjusted anorexic or bulimic or binge eater and I defy you to find me one, you wont feel the need to do it anymore. shifting your calories up or down a few hundred calories isnt going to fix anything- it will keep you nurished and alive- but is not the key to recovery. You have to tackle your issues, not your diet, for the bulimia to fade.

You are giving classic eating disorder talk, “I feel like it would be more beneficial to focus on reducing the binging first and then work on increasing calories sowly…” Is that really your motivation, or are you scared to gain weight? Whats the difference between eating 2000 calories and 1500 calories in terms of cutting back on binging? You are going to have to figure out how to stop binging either way, and if not eating 500 calories was the key, you would be recovered, correct? Those 500 calories are to make sure you live- not to stop you from binging. The binging and purging from the 500 calories is because you are scared, and to ever kick this, you have to not be scared- you have to realize that calories don’t mean shit, your weight doesn’ mean shit, and if you stuff yourself full of food and then vomit, no one is going to love you more than they do now, you will not be any more successful, happy, accomplished, beautiful or smart. You will just be angry, depressed, unhealthy, emaciated, and eventually dead. Get mad. This thing is sucking the life from you, and you are accepting it. Don’t blame 500 calories for your binges- its a bigger issue, and if you keep putting the blame on calories you are never going to find a happy relationship with food, and will never be able to move past the place you are in now.

I dont mean to sound harsh, but someone has to be- and Im talking about me and you towards this, not me being harsh to you. The tone comes from knowing exactly what you are going through and the attitude I had to get for me to be able to beat this. You aren’t to blame, chances are there are some situations, whether you are aware of them yet or not, that have affected the way you feel about yourself that probably werent under your control. Don’t let anyone ever dictate the way you feel- especially food. Psh- what is food? Its fuel for your body. What is weight? It is not a sign of how strong you are, or how much people admire you, or an indicator of how successful you will be. Its the amount of space you take up- who cares? You need to work on your relationship with you, and how you feel about yourself. Eat your 1500 calories, or 2000 calories, and you are going to be triggered to binge and purge no matter what (thats why he/she raised the calories, yes?) so focus on what is really causing you to binge and purge. Each time you get the urge try and figure out why- its not the calories. It might be the way the calories make you feel, the anxiety you get, you had a rough day, you are pissed and dont want to fight anymore- whatever it may be it has nothing to do with those 500 calories.

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I’ve been following your blog for about a month now and I absolutely love it!

I’m in a huge rut right now and really need some help. About a year and a half ago, I made a conscious decision to get healthy and I went from my highest weight of 218 to my current weight of 180. Thus far, I’ve managed to do it all on my own and, while I still have a bit to go (my goal is 130; I’m 5’3 btw), I can honestly say that I’m very proud of myself. For the past year and a half, I’ve been able to find time to exercise for almost every day of the week. But things changed when Fall semester started in August(I’m a college sophomore). For the first time, I’m working while in school and my schedule is jam packed. I’m busy from the crack of dawn to nearly midnight on most days. I didn’t want to my schedule to be an excuse to not be active, so I’ve been trying to find ways to get “mini-workouts” through my day. I use my breaks in between classes to go walking. I usually take the stairs when going to class or my dorm room. When going from Point A to Point B, I try to take the longest route possible. While all of this has prevented me from gaining weight, I’m not losing weight either. I know I could lower my calorie intake (I’m currently eating anywhere between 1400 to 1600 calories), but I really don’t want to eat less to lose weight. How can I get more exercise into my day?

My problem doesn’t stop there (I told you I was in a HUGE rut). On weekends, I go home to spend time with family, do my laundry, and buy groceries for my dorm room. When I go home, my eating habits change completely. When I’m staying in my dorm, I eat plenty of fresh fruits and veggies and make sure I’m eating enough complex carbs, protein, and good fats. I’m even started to dabble with organic foods. But when I get home, I’m practically binging on nearly every over-processed food known to man. Cookies, bread, pastries. You name it and I’ve probably had about 20 servings of it in one seating. My parents know that I’m losing weight and they seem to support it. I’m not sure if it’s because of cultural differences (My parents are from Haiti and I’m their only US-born and raised child), but I’m having an incredibly hard time trying to convince them to change their eating habits. Food is a big deal in Haitian culture and, at least in my family, it’s a little disrespectful to not eat the food that is cooked in the house. My mom, in particular, is having a hard time understanding why I eat what I eat. Often times, she finds my preferences of food to be bland (which they are NOT) and dismisses them because they don’t taste as good as “Haitian food”. And when she tries to convince me to eating something that I know is unhealthy, like fried fish, she’d say things like “But it has protein!” It’s so frustrating because I’ve had a problem with binging my whole life and the things are in my family’s kitchen are the very things that I used to spend hours eating when I was little. How can I convince my parents to, at least, change their habits a little?

Sorry for the long-ish email!!

Marsha

Part One: Schedule

This one is hard. Most of the time, when people say they don;t have time to work out, its an excuse because they can make time to workout. I’m going to assume you aren’t exaggerating and that you really truly are that busy- for which, holy cow girl, you poor thing. first of DO NOT CUT DOWN ON YOUR CALORIES you aren’t eating very much as it is, and anything less will halt your progress even more.

So the first thing you need to do is see if there is anyway you can consolidate any of your activites- work and school you obviously have no control over, but are there random errands you do throughout the day that can all be done in one trip at the end of the week? Things you can put off until the weekend? Then, see if there is anything you can do while you workout. Study your textbook on the treadmill? Listen to lectures on your iPod while you walk or lift weights? I find I actually remember material better when I read it while working out- and its harder to get distracted. Next- since your weekend activites aren;t time sensitive, this is when you should be getting in your killer workouts. What you lack in frequency has to be made up with intensity, so find a gym, take some cardio and strength training classes, hire a personal trainer, something that will garantee you get your ass kicked.

Which leads to Part 2: Family

I don;t mean to sound critical, but you are an adult now and your parents have no control over you. This is something that it took me a LONG time to figure out, and actually had to have a counselor scream it in my face because I was always wracked with so much guilt over EVERYTHING when it came to them- even though, at the time, they were toxic for me (which is basically the stem of my past eating disorder and sounds like could be the root of your issues with binging.) Your parents actually sound quite nice, which trust me, even though they can seem overbearing, it could be WAY worse.

You parents raised you and from what I can tell they did a good job. You are responsible, hardworking and can take care of yourself. You do not need to change their habits in order to uphold your healthy ones. They actually sound pretty nice, and not too pressuring, although I know when they are your parents, its harder to stand up to them. Be polite, and just say no thank you. You are going to run into plenty of fituations where people are going to push food on you, and if you cant stand up to the people that love you and support you no matter what, you are going to have a tough time with the people that make fun of you, or roll their eyes.

Just say no. Politely. Say, “thanks mom, and I appreciate you making this food for me, but I’ve told you I am trying to take care of myself and eat better, so I am going to eat what I have prepared for myself.” Make it clear you arent trying to change them, so they shouldnt try and change you.

I’ve been through this. Not so much with unhealthy foods, but with life in general. If your parents are not healthy for you, and they do not help you make wise deicisons for yourself, or make you feel guilty- whether directly or indirectly, don’t see them as often. It didnt even occur to me that I could do that before, but my couselor taught me that you have to look out for number one, which is you, and if anyone, ANYONE, be it family friend or aquaintence, does anything that brings you down, or triggers you to make bad decisions you know you cant afford to make, remove yourself. And trust me, they learn quick. There were many times I would have to stop one of my parents mid sentyence during a visit and say “this situation is not good for me or my health right now and I need to leave. When you can remember to respect that, I’ll come back.” Do that a few times and those critical remarks, backhanded compliments and food pushes will stop quickly.

You need to take care of yourself. You are an adult and no one has control over your life but you. You need to make a change- both in your schedule if its running you ragged, and how you choose to spend your free time if its making you make bad decisions. That doesnt mean you cant see your family, but you may need to teach them that you are an adult and can control how you are treated.

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Food is weird. and the way our bodies respond to food is weird.

Your maintenance weight isn’t really the weight you decide you are happy at, and stop actively trying to lose. Your body has its own maintenance weight, usually referred to in magazines as “happy weight”, so your true maintenance weight is going to be a compromise of those two. 128 might not be the weight your body is naturally happy at.

That doesn’t mean that you have to weight more than that, because this is still a healthy weight, it just means you are going to have to work at it- guessing and checking and upping and lowering your intake- not drastically, but you are going to have to keep an eye on it to make sure you dont gain or lose weight.

Your “immediately gained” comment kinds of signals me that you went up a pound or two- anytime you change your routine, your body is going to react, and if you kept at the 1800, you would probably have gone right back down a day or two later. Rationally, adding a measly 100 calories can’t possibly cause you to gain fat, since one pound of fat equals 3500 calories.

If you are binging, I would be more likely to point the finger at that for any weight gain.

Binges dont have anything to do with hunger. Being hungry might spark one, but no one is truly hungry for 5000 calories worth of food (Im thinking this issue might be why you have a nutritionist?) I naturally eat a lower amount of food when I go by hunger instead of numbers, which is why I always have to do mental checks to see if I ate enough (and honestly, I think its fun when I haven’t had enough and get to have an extra intentional snack.) I think this is pretty much true for everyone. If you binge, its for a reason, and part of that reason is probably because you get hungry. When you allow yourself to get hungry, you are compelled to eat, like a normal person. But people with binging issues cant stop and continue to eat. You are hungry because you arent eating enough, but the reason you binge is something else entirely and to find the answer to that you are going to have to look at a lot of other factors besides food.

It sounds to me, and of course I can be wrong because I never get the full picture from these questions, like you have issues with food which is why you are so preoccupied with calories one day, but then can binge on over 5000 calories the next. My focus wouldnt be so much on maintaining your weight, it would be getting your eating under control, and coming to healthy place where it isn’t a constant struggle for you, and then you can safely manipulate your calories to worry about keeping a specific goal weight.

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Thank you
Annonymous

You kind of answered your own question in the question. You have to stop the binges first, then the urge goes away- you have to fight. It would be easy if it were the other way around- if you didn’t feel compelled to binge, you wouldn’t have to do it.

You have to fake it till you make it. White knuckle it. All those other cliches.

Of course its easier said than done. The first thing you have to do is decide that you have a choice. You always have a choice. Each bite of food that you put into your mouth is another opportunity to decide to stop. I used to have the mentality that, “well, I already started binging so I might as well finish it up because I blew bit already” but this is the wrong way of thinking- its just making excuses for yourself. Each step is a success, so if you stop one bite into the binge, or one bite

So what happens? You start to binge, and try and stop, but you get anxious. All you can think about it finishing your binge, and you won;t be able to calm down until you do. You might physically get shakey, or your heart might beat fast and your head spins (sounds like drugs, no?) but guess what? That feeling goes away. Research shows it goes away within an hour, but mine usually didn’t take that long.

The trick now is to distract yourself. You can go about it one of two ways: you can tackle it head on and try and sort through your feelings, or you can ignore them completely. Generally, in the beginning its best to just distract yourself, and do anything you can to pass the time: call a friend, go for a walk- but its usually best if you get out of the house and away from food until the urge goes away. Then, when you get better are resisting the urge, you can use your anxiety to try and figure out why you respond to food the way you do: why do I want to binge right now? what happened that is causing me to react this way? journal about it. talk to yourself out loud. Lay on the floor and stare at the ceiling and just listen to all the thoughts racing through your head and shoot each one down. No i dont need to binge. No it wont make me feel better. No this isnt going to solve anything. No this is not the person I want to be.

The urge will go away when you stop giving into the binges. You are binging because its the only way you know how to deal with your anxiety, but when you dont let yourself do it anymore, you will naturally lose the need to. The clearer your mind gets, and the better you feel about yourself after resisting a few times, you’ll start to realize exactly what triggers you and find a way to deal with it head on- not in a self destructive way. Good luck.

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EAS Myoplex Strength Formula shakes (these things are good)
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Ally

First- congrats on your recovery and doing so well. 8 days may not seem like much to other people, but for a binger, that seems like an eternity.

I can’t give you specific advice, because everyone that suffers from an eating disorder responds to different treatments differently, but what I can do is tell you how I handled food during recovery, and tell that for your specific situation only you are your psychologist are going to be able to figure out whats best for you.

Generally, for bingers and bulimics, strict in terms of food is your friend. Generally, a binge (and purge, if applicable, as in my case) is caused by feeling like you ate too much and “blew it” already, triggering your anxiety. Once that anxiety is triggered and burning in the pit of your stomach and clogging your brain, you do the only thing you know how to make it go away: eat more. That seems stupid to people that dont understand, and even to me now as I am recovered, but food is what bingers use to make them feel good- either numb or calm.

The only way I could explain a binge/purge episode to someone that didnt understand an had it make sense was this:

I would start out eating a normal meal, doing my best to eat healthy. Suddenly, I would feel like I ate too, much and the anxiety would set in. I had that full stomach feeling, which equalled weak and fat, and I couldn’t stop thinking about it, obsessing about it, beating myself up, and I could not stop the anxiety, it consumed me. I knew that the only way I could stop thinking about food, was to not want food anymore, so I would eat everything insight until I was so full I couldn’t walk. Right after a binge was the only time I felt calm because i didnt want want food- and every other second of every day I always thought about food. I knew i was going to purge afterward so the calories didnt bother me, so I would sit for about 5 minutes enjoying my clam, and then the fear of digesting the calories sets in and I have to go purge. The calm, or high, whatever you call it, only lasts a few minutes, which is why bulimics binge and purge over and over again, up to 8 times a days.

My counselor made me eat strictly- but under my own terms. I had to keep a food journal, and he gave me a calorie goal and as long as I stayed there and didnt purge, we called it a good day. eventually, we incorporated more healthy foods and slowly upped my intake to not trigger me. The first hurdle is to stop the binges, and the only way to do that is to stop before you get to far which takes more self control than anyone can imagine, but eventually it get easier.

Your counselor and you will come up with strategies to stop binges and eat healthily. You wont have to go it alone, and you will find some thing that will work for you but might not for anyone else. The binges are the first thing to tackle, so dont over obsess about your everyday calories- thats what sends you into a binge episode in the first place.

Good luck!

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